Fuck. That's one day down the tubes.

I spent the day at "Pizza For You Comedians 2" traffic school today. They had
a) no comedy
b) no pizza.

The instructor was this really old guy, based on his description of his WW2 service and the length of his retirement he's at least 78. I mean, holding up well for 78, but come on. He occasionally told a random joke or two, but no more than the other, normal traffic school I went to years ago.

His nemesis was this guy who totally looked and acted like some Eastern European F.O.B. He had really ratty shorts and T-shirt, beaten black velcro sneakers, and a perpetually hunched posture. He had this horrible uncut shaggy hair with a rat tail. He always SPOKE REALLY LOUD and had this bizarre accent. He also was completely oblivious to all of the old man's jokes.

Near the end of the class the old man gave everybody a really tiny slip of paper and said, "Now, write an essay containing everything you learned today." (Pause for laffs.) "OK. Now, we're going to do a quick multiple choice quiz on it."

Yokel: "I HAFFEN'T FINISH MY ESSAY YET! I HAFFEN'T FINISH MY ESSAY YET! I HAFFEN'T FINISH MY ESSAY YET!"

When we all learned there was no pizza and we had to get our own lunch, we all started walking out in a group. The yokel started hitting on the cutest girl in the class, this tall blonde who was in for cutting into the carpool lane. Everybody announced their lunch plans and there was a moment when the blonde realized that she was basically going to spend lunch alone with this yokel. My God, I will remember the expression on her face for a long time.

Then the yokel said that he was Israeli, but had been born and raised in LA. How do people grow up in this city and still turn out like that?

There were a couple of other parts that were good. The old man had the class play a traffic school version of Hollywood Squares, but he didn't know any of the rules so it just turned into this long, awkward debate. Later he told us we were going to play a boys vs. girls game and told us, "Now, we will find out who is the better race."

And there was this exchange:

OLD MAN to WOMAN 1: Now, is there any excuse for you to kill her? (Pointing to WOMAN 2.)
WOMAN 1: No.
OLD MAN: But what if she was a Nazi soldier with a hand grenade? She could throw her grenade at you and kill ten American soldiers. Then you'd have to kill her if she was in your sights, wouldn't you?
WOMAN 1: I guess so.
WOMAN 2: That's depressing.