Played the first couple missions in XCOM tonight. Super fun! If you don't mind, I'll relay the tale:
We begin with four nameless XCOM soldiers investigating mysterious occurrences in Germany. What is XCOM and what are the occurrences? Who can say, for I accidentally clicked through the intro movie. What is true is that the team is unprepared to meet ALIEN INVADERS and only one survivor makes it through! This mohicaned slab of beefcake reveals his name: RUDY RIOT. He is promoted and takes the class of heavy. "When I fire my rocket, it's a real 'riot'!"
I quickly change a bunch of soldier's names, intending for the four-man squad to consist of: Riot, R. WELSH, E. HESSEL, and rugged African-American J. LEE. A choice must be made: investigate attacks in Miami, United States? Or Shanghai, China? The team chooses China, because fuck Florida.
What the shit! The squad members are automatically chosen for me! Riot, Welsh, some generic fuckstick, and a WOMAN are chosen. The Action Team, hang out with strangers and women? The squad churlishly renames the blonde SMELTA FART. But who is this mysterious stranger? All is revealed when the generic white fellow turns into a slab of Asian beefcake. "It was me all along - ICE LEE." But then who is this other Lee in the barracks? Mysterious stuff.
The team arrives in Shanghai. Fart cautiously advances into a building, while Riot climbs onto the roof and takes cover. Two aliens sighted! Welsh, angry at being away from his island paradise, charges around the building to the left while Lee, leverages hard-earned Paintball club stealth lessons and advances right. The aliens still haven't seen our squad. Riot fires down. A hit! Welsh and Lee continue their respective brash and cautious advances. Meanwhile, Fart keeps moving around inside the building like some total bitch. Riot, having got the attention of the remaining alien, takes a blind shot -- a hit! "Come on ladies, can't you do better? Except for the real lady -- you can't."
No more aliens in sight, the squad advances. Welsh continues his impressive run. "Dude, how'd he get so many movement points?" muses Lee. As Welsh moves, he spots two more aliens! The little buggers flee his terrifying gait, hiding in a building, then firing at Welsh, who takes a hit! "Another one like that and you'll never eat another poke bowl!" cautions Smelta Fart. "Shut the fuck up, bitch!" insists Welsh.
Welsh and the aliens exchange fire with no hits. "On this planet, YOU'RE the Haoles," taunts Welsh. Lee cozies up uncomfortably close to Fart behind a dumpster. Riot advances behind them, cautiously moving into rocketing position. He desires to show off his rocketing skills.
TRAGEDY STRIKES! Welsh is shot and killed by the aliens, probably due to distracting chatter from Smelta Fart. Riot panics at the sight, instinctively emptying the remainder of his clip into Fart's back, causing severe injuries. Ice Lee stays cool though, giving Fart useful tips as she ends one alien's life. He doesn't take credit for the kill or anything, but we all know it was him.
"Sorry about that," Riot apologizes to Fart, then decimates the last alien's shitty house and body with his rocket launcher. As the survivors solemnly fly back to XCOM HQ, Fart is informed that she has been promoted thanks to affirmative action. Also, Shanghai is grateful for the team's intervention, and PayPals the XCOM organization $200 in reward. Meanwhile, Miami burns!