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- My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

- I was in the Doctor's waiting room and this woman starts talking to me:
She says "What are you here for?"
I say "Hemorrhoids"
She says "Is that why you're sitting on that bean bag?"
I say "Look again"

- When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
One day when they were away, I went to the door and opened it... and I saw birds and trees...

- "I saw Bobby Petersen from Grade school the other day, I hugged him and said how happy I was to see him, then he started to cry and I realized... Bobby would have grown up by now."