It'd been a stale couple weeks for SomethingAwful but then they dropped this gem which I will link and copy/paste. The rest of the article is good (the soccer and nascar parts) but had to plaster this hockey part for you special friends.

HOCKEY
Hockey sucks because it's all about drunken rednecks staggering around a freezing cold room and beating each other with sticks. Think that's a sport? Think again, buddy. It's an Alaskan childhood. If I wanted to watch a bunch of oil-drilling ice jawas brawl over a tin of Skoal for hours on end I'd head up north and tell people chewing made their women look even more like cattle. I don't give a fuck what Super Smash Brothers says, ain't nobody climbing ice up there unless there's a jar of
pickled eggs and a stack of unemployment paperwork at the top.


Hockey also sucks because most people who play it are French Canadian. You know how how to get a locker room full of those guys pumped before a game? Hang a banner saying "IF YOU LOSE, YOU WILL HAVE TO SHAVE." While I certainly hate to marginalize a society whose greatest cultural export is Celine Dion, sometimes you have to wake up and smell the coffee. Or, in this case, the garlic-meets-spoiled-milk stink that wafts over Michigan every time a southerly wind blows. Those things that run over the ice in between periods aren't mobile freezers. They're gigantic Glade Plug-Ins.

Of course, ethnicity and body odor can't do much to harm a sport that's already the boringest goddamn thing in the universe. Hockey fans are prone to rioting after particularly "exciting" games. I can only imagine the terror they would cause if they visited a fabric store. Give a hockey fan a lighter and a tape of ABC Family programming and he'll burn down an entire city block before someone finds a pork rind big enough to distract him.


I might be going a little too harsh, though. The NHL recently tweaked its offensive rules, allowing for high-octane barn-burners that end with with exciting scores like "three to nothing" or sometimes "four to two." The only thing that reaches double digits in a hockey game is blood alcohol content. Even that's nothing to cheer about, since you could drink a hockey fan into a coma and he'd still talk sports in his sleep. When something like this happens you hear the phrase "defensive game" thrown around. "Defensive game" is French Canadian for "Americans like offense, so I think it's trash." For the record, there are a lot of people who hate scoring and would rather spend their time badmouthing America. You can find them here.


In closing, I would like to reiterate that hockey is a boring piece of shit and anyone remotely involved in it is a white-trash mole person with three good teeth and even fewer working chromosomes. Normally I would shudder at the amount of hate mail this statement would receive, but none of my words ended in "-eux," and to my knowledge nothing I said was a crude reference to cunnilingus. That should protect me from the French Canadian contingent, anyway.